Two more Friends
by The Writters T
Summary: Two more characters have been thrown in, Sephiroth and Cloud are perverts, and Aeris is a crack whore? A new Twist to the classic game.


Hello readers, and welcome to this FFVII fanfic intitled: Two More Friends. This story is written by The writters T. This duo of writters is Tonde and Tallie. We came about this story while playing FF7....we realized "We hate Aeris" and we also lost all respect for Sephiroth when he chucked the destruct materia at us. So Tonde did some research on a very...hush hush substance, and this story was born. It takes placed right after Cloud has his terrible fall from the sector 5 reactor.  
  
We do NOT own FFV. We also do not own mardygra.  
  
Chapter 1: Voices and Money Bags  
  
Cloud was surounded by black. He clouldn't move, or speak. From out of the darkness, came voices.  
"Is he dead?" said voice 1.  
"Let's eat 'im!" said voice too, a little too happy.  
"You guys...no, he IS alive." said voice 3.  
Cloud summoned up enough strength to open his eyes. In front of him, was girl   
#3, who had brown hair and green eyes.  
"Hello there. My name is..." girl #3 was interupted by girl #2, who quickly pushed girl #3 out of the way.   
"Hey! I'm Tonde. I'm a little bumed we didn't get to eat you!" girl #2, now Tonde, said happily.  
Cloud, being a slight pervert, couldn't help himself from looking at her rack. But unknown to him, which he quickly learned, she was wearing a penguin shirt. He fainted from shock.   
"Tonde!" voice #1 said. The sound of head on metal was heard. "You killed him, AGAIN!!"  
"Sorry, Tallie!" Tonde yelled.  
Finally, Cloud'd ears gave out, and he heard no more.  
  
* * *  
Tallie closed the door to the spare room. Their "guest" was in there. But Tallie knew that fat ass Barret was in charge of this guy, and she WAS going to use this to her advantage.   
"That dude is going to pay...he owes me 600,000 gill. I was tricked into paying for his "orginization. Damn that fat, black monkey!"  
Tallie walked into the kitchen where Tonde and Aeris waited for her.   
"What's up with Mr. Spiky head?" Tonde asked tilting her head.  
"He's almost dead...thanks to you, Tonde." Tallie grined.  
"What made him pass out?" Aeris asked.  
Tallie smiled, "I read his mind, yes. He should be finding my little suprise soon."  
"Tallie," Aeris glared at her, "what did you do?"  
  
* * *  
Cloud could smell the girlieness in the room. His nose told him, wherever he was, two women lived in this house....and a third was here.  
Although he was happy about being in a "girl's" house, he couldn't shake the bad feeling that something....was....near his....face? Slowly, ever so slowly he opened his eyes, and right there he saw....  
"P...PENGUIN!!!" he screamed.  
Sure enough, a fat, fuzzy penguin plushie was right infront of his face.   
"Mr. S.E.!" Tonde screamed, jumping on the bed and grabbing the penguin. "Tallie, you are so mean to Mr. S.E.!" she glared at her roomate.  
"Mr. S.E.? Cloud looked at Tonde razing a brow.  
"Mr. Sanity Eater!" Tonde said happily.  
Cloud just shuttered.  
"You STILL haven't noticed? Cocidering your fear of penguins, you sure are slow to react..." Tallie waited, leaning on the door frame, looking at his shirt and chuckling.  
'Come to think of it...my clothes feel softer...like PJ's'  
Suddenly, he got a chilling feeling.  
'N...she wouldn't'  
He looked down at himself, his eyes shrinking out of existence. He was wearing Pat Penguin PJ's.  
"OH MY DEAR GOD, NO!!!" Cloud ran around like a chocobo with Sephiroth up it's ass...doing god knows what.  
"My, GOD, you niny." Tallie sighed. Snapping her fingers, his PP PJ's turned into Charlie the Cheerful Chocobo PJ's.  
"Ah, Charlie is such a kind and cheerful chocobo..." Aeris sighed.  
Tellie pushed her out the window.  
"How many times must we do this, Aeris? Stay out of Tonde's stash!" Tallie clutched her fist.  
"Anyways, lets se...what shall we do now?" Tonde giggled evilly. The two girls looked evilly at Cloud.  
Cloud's scream was heard world wide. But due to the poor police funding, no one came to help.  
"Isn't he just...funny looking?!" Tallie laughed.  
Cloud sat there. He was wearing make up, a belly shirt, and a skirt.  
"Well..I really think I got to go back to AVA..." Cloud started, but Tonde interupted.  
"You can't go! We got ta torture you more!" Tonde pouted.  
"First of all...where the hell am I?" Cloud blinked several times.  
"Out in da boonies. After you passed out, we dragged you to our house." Tallie explained. Tonde nodding quickly.  
  
A.N.- our house is WAY outside Midgar...just thought we should clarify that.  
  
"Dragged me?" Cloud shrieked.  
"Yeah, you were heavy, fatso!" Tonde stuck out her tongue. She picked up the little penguin plushie, "Why are you scared of penguins?"  
  
-Several years ago-  
  
Lil' Cloud is at the zoo, happily clutching a balloon in his hand. Lil' Sephiroth pops up, grabs Lil' Cloud and throws him in the penguin pool. The penguins proceed to peck out his eyes.  
  
-Back to our time-  
  
"Oh," both Tonde and Tallie muttered. Tonde giggled like mad.  
"Widdle Sephiroth is so cute...what happened?!" Tonde laughed, Cloud and Tallie stared at her blankly. She whined,"it's twue."  
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Sephiroth popped up...out of nowhere?  
"ROAR!" he yelled. He then stopped, searched his pockets, and took out a chocobo plushie. He then squeezed it. "Tee hee!" he happily said.  
"...o...k..." Tallie looked at Sephiroth.  
"MR. VITAMIN V!!!" he yelled.  
"One question...what's Vitamin V?" Tallie blinked several times.  
"...I know," Tonde giggled. She then stopped. "Ewwwwww....."  
"Viagra!" Sephiroth yelled. Cloud sat there.  
Sephiroth looked at Cloud. "Why are you...never mind." Sephiroth shook his head.  
"Sephiroth, you do know that Viagra only works when your...arroused?" Tallie shivered.   
There was silence, then Sephiroth smiled wickedly.  
"...yuck!" Tallie shivered. Sephiroth then chucked several peices of materia at them, then he flew away.  
"Sephiroth can fly?" Cloud blinked several times.  
"Yea, he's like that Nun." Tonde smiled. She picked up the materia, "Let's go to that place you were talking about!!"  
  
* * *  
"On the road again..." Tonde sang happily, penguin plushie in hand. They were walking back to Midgar, which took about a day or two with out a chocobo. It was becoming nightfall.  
"She's been singing that since we left." Cloud whined.   
Tallie smiled, "I'm used to it." she muttered. Tonde quickly drew her sword, slashing side to side.  
"Die! Die! Die!" Tonde yelled.   
"Does she always do that?" Cloud asked.  
"She don't like Hojo." Tallie explained.  
Tonde suddenly tripped as she swung her sword throwing it. She fell face flat as Tallie ducked right before it chopped her head off.  
"Who's Hojo?" Cloud blinked several times.  
"you know..bad hair cut, big forhead..." Tallie waved her hands. Tonde grabbed the sword stuck in the ground. Tallie ignored this casually, As Cloud, confused as hell, watched Tonde continue to slice the air.  
"Why does she hate Hojo? Cloud asked.  
"Goes back to when Tonde was in college. She got kicked off an experiment project and was replaced by him. You should she the picture taken of her right afterwards. My opinion is that she looks constipated." Tallie laughed, Cloud nodded. Tonde was busy beating up on a small tree.  
"Oh," Cloud blinked several times.  
* * *   
"Beans beans beans." Tonde sang as she poked the fire with a stick. The stick caught on fire.  
"Cloud, where are you from?" Tallie asked as she took out a bag of marshmellows. "Neibleheim?"  
"How'd you..." Cloud bagan but Tallie pointed to her forhead.  
"I can read minds." Tallie smiled. In the background, Tonde was hitting the flamming stick against a tree. The tree soon caught on fire.  
"Oh." Cloud sighed. Tonde started to hit her sword against the tree. Her sword soon broke, the sharp side flying into the air.  
"Watch out!" Tonde yelled as the half of her sword flew down, an inch away from Cloud's hand. "I need a new sword now.."  
* * *  
Sephiroth came up to our sleeping group. He waved his hand and erased all memory of him from their minds.  
* * *  
"Midgar! Smelliest place on this planet!" Tonde giggle dancing around. She then pulled out a leather pouch. "Looky looky!"  
"That's my gill!" Cloud growled, clutching his fists.  
"I'm getting a new sword!" Tonde yelled, running off. Cloud ran after her. Tallie sighed.  
"Let's see..." Tallie muttered, walking off.  
"Give me back my money!" Cloud yelled as he ran through the crowd after the little theif.  
"Sorry Cloud! I need a new sword and your paying for it!" Tonde ran into a shop. Cloud followed.  
"No!" Cloud yelled, Tonde was right in front of him. She stuck out her tongue.  
"Would you like me to tell Tallie about last night?" Tonde raised a brow. "You stole something of hers and mine, you lech." She said taking two bras out from nowhere.   
"Hey! Where'd you get those?" Cloud growled.  
"They were in your pants. Now if you want them it'll cost ya my new sword." Tonde laughed, walking up to the counter. The guy was confused as he looked at the bras.  
"What, are those D cups?" he asked.  
"These would be Cloud's" She handed them to Cloud. "I would like a new sword....perferably the most expensive one you got."  
"Ah...that would be our...Whatcha ma Callit Katana." the man said taking out a large sword.  
"I'll take it!" Tonde happily said. She handed the man the leather pouch. "Keep the change." she said, grabbing the sword from him.  
"Keep...the...change?!" Cloud yelled. "NOOOO!!!"  
"Tee hee," Tonde skipped off. He skipped out the doorway right into an unknown man.  
"OOFF!" they both said, falling to the ground.  
"...uuhh.." Cloud blinked several times.   
"Looks like I put him into a coma. Let's bring him back to AVALANCH Cloud!" Tonde giggled, dragging the man forward by his long white hair. "I bet Tallie is already there!"  
* * *  
"Pay up Barret!" Tallie yelled at the poor man. He was in a corner, crotched down, scared out of his mind.   
"Look, I'll pay later, I don't got any money right now.." Barret cried. Tallie was scary when mad.  
Suddenly, Tonde and Cloud came into the bar/house."  
"Tonde, don't tell me you brought another man home...again." Tallie sighed rubbing her forhead.  
"Nope, just a funny looking albino!" Tonde happily replied, Tallie stood there several seconds, obviously reading the poor unconsious man's mind.  
"Ahhhh!" Talllie clutched her head in pain. "Soo...perverted..."  
"....?" everyone stood there, confused. Then Tallie switched minds.  
"Cloud! Give me back my bra!" she yelled. Suddenly the albino man's eyes popped open.  
"Bra? Where?" he looked around.  
"Who...? Wha...?" Barret stood there.  
"Tallie, who is this freak?" Tonde said, backing away from the man as he stepped closer to her.  
"I don't know, his mind is too unpure to read!" Tallie yelled.  
"Thank you for boucing into me...are those real?" The man chuckled, Tonde was in a corner.  
"LECH!" she cried. She suddenly had her sword in hand, "Stay back!"   
"You think your stupid sword can keep my hands away..." the man laughed.  
"Forget about me?" Tallie took out a frying pan and hit him over the head with it. He fell to the floor, eyes swirly.  
"Thanks Tallie." Tonde smiled. She then walked over to the bar counter, stepping on the pervert as she did so.  
"You guys don't know who that is?" Barret sighed. "That's the top ranking guy in SOLDIER! Sephiroth!"  
"Sephiroth?" Tallie and Tonde gasped.  
"I wonder if he's rich!" Tonde began to search his pockets.  
"A little lower..." he muttered. Tonde quickly withdrew her hands.  
"Yeck! Not for all the gill in the world!" Tonde shivered.  
"Tonde....I know you, you would do ANYTHING for money." Tallie sighed. Tonde hid behind a curtain.  
"One request...paper bag! And NE-VER! That is disgusing!"  
"What now? We can't just leave him there." Tallie sighed.  
"But it would be so easy for us to do that!" Tonde cried. She then looked at Cloud. She smiled evilly.  
* * *   
"Shopping, shopping." Tonde sang. "Going shopping with Barret's money!"  
"Why do I have to pay for your new weapons?" Barret whined.  
Tallie glared at him, "You stole from me, and now you HAVE to pay me back. Oh, and Cloud." she looked to the back of the group.  
Cloud walked slowly. In his hand was a rope, and on the other end of the rope was Sephiroth.  
"What?" Cloud sighed. "You already made me take care of this DOG!!" he kicked Sephiroth.  
"I took your pay too, Barret owes me more than he's got. Sorry." Tallie smiled inocently.  
Cloud's eyes shrank, once again, and he screamed bloody murder. Then all the rats within earshot proceeded to comit suicide.  
* * *   
"OOOOO....Ahhhh...I likey!" Tallie was like a kid in a candy store. Except she wasn't a kid, and the candy store was a weapons shop.  
"You want a gun AND a set of claws?" Barret was crying.  
"What can I say?" Tallie shrugged. "I'm multiy talented."  
Tallie took the hand gun and shot the lines of beer bottles in the store. Hitting every sigle one with one shot.  
"NO! My booze!" the weapon dealer's face was blue.  
"Here," Tonde handed him two bottles of sake. "There's enough stuff in there to more than make up for you...b...beer." Tonde had a hard time saying the name of a "less friendly alcohol."  
* * *  
As the group went back to Tifa's bar, they ran into a dirty crack whore that was so high, she couldn't tell Cloud's head from a chocobo's ass. That's right boys and girls, it was Aeris.  
  
-end chapter 1-  
Just for some added info...Tonde and I HATE Aeris and Tifa. So more bashing on them will happen. Also Tonde and Tallie belong to US! Use them without permission and we WILL sic Sephiroth on you! If you want pix of Tonde or Tallie email us at writters_t@hotmail.com We await your email and reviews. Here is next chapter's preview.  
"YOU WANT US TO WHAT?!" Cloud screamed.  
"Oh, I think it'll be enjoyable." Sephiroth smiled.  
"You heard me, Cloud." Tallie said. "You and Sephiroth have to dress up like girls."  
"But..."Cloud whined.  
"Look, if Sephiroth hadn't sold Tonde to Don Corneo," Tallie glared at Sephiroth,"we wouldn't be in this mess, but as is." she looked at Cloud. "this is our only chance."  
  
Untill next time Ja Ne!!   
^.^ ^.~ Writters T. 


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